i hate puns

joke three hundred and eighty-nine

2011-12-19T10:14:00.000-08:00

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

joke three hundred and eighty-eight

2011-10-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed… "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men

joke three hundred and eighty-seven

2011-10-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"'What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

joke three hundred and eight-six

2011-08-21T17:03:00.001-07:00

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset---- I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

joke three hundred and eighty-five

2011-08-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

joke three hundred and eighty-four

2011-07-13T16:40:00.001-07:00

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked…

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

joke three hundred and eighty-three

2011-07-11T14:22:00.001-07:00

When a woman wears leather clothing, a mans heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

She Smells like a new truck.

joke three hundred and eighty-two

2011-07-10T03:40:00.000-07:00

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

joke three hundred and eighty-one

2011-07-09T11:27:00.001-07:00

A little girl says to Santa, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa says, "Doesn't Barbie comes with Ken?"

"No," she replied. "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

joke three hundred and eighty

2011-07-05T15:31:00.000-07:00

Tools for Men

DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the
name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

joke three hundred and seventy-nine

2011-07-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.

"The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant — about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm a Virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"

joke three hundred and seventy-eight

2011-04-14T00:18:00.000-07:00

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

joke three hundred and seventy-seven

2011-03-15T05:20:00.000-07:00

A man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his Reputation OR Marriage he gave her money to have the baby in Italy. If she stayed in Italy he would provide Child Support until the child was 18. She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

He told her to drop off a Postcard with the word "SPAGHETTI" on the back.

Nine months later he came home and his wife said, "You got a very strange card today." He read the card and turned white and fainted. The card read "SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI. 2 with meatballs 1 without. Send extra sauce!"

joke three hundred and seventy-six

2011-03-09T21:00:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

joke three hundred and seventy-five

2011-03-09T20:58:00.001-08:00

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto asked him what was the matter.

Pinocchio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio.

When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

Pinocchio replied: "Girls? Who needs girls?"

joke three hundred and seventy-four

2011-03-09T20:55:00.001-08:00

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom since, after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."

"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me the documentation."

"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach."

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."

"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"My seventh husband was from Finance and administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it".

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was… God I miss him!"

"So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

joke three hundred and seventy-three

2011-03-09T20:53:00.000-08:00

A young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.

After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The grooms young brother said, "Mommy, I think -- "

"Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think -- "

"Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."

joke three hundred and seventy-two

2011-03-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!"

joke three hundred and seventy-one

2011-03-09T18:30:00.000-08:00

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

joke three hundred and seventy

2011-03-09T18:29:00.000-08:00

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

joke three hundred and sixty-nine

2011-03-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knew it, the bridge was right in front of him and his truck
gets wedged under it. Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

joke three hundred and sixty-eight

2011-03-09T18:26:00.000-08:00

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

joke three hundred and sixty-seven

2011-03-09T18:25:00.000-08:00

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma'am, they're dead…”

joke three hundred and sixty-six

2011-03-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

It was mealtime during an airline flight.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

“What are my choices?'” John asked.

“Yes or no,'” she replied.

joke three hundred and sixty-five

2011-03-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father… During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are in deed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

joke three hundred and sixty-four

2011-02-22T17:51:00.000-08:00

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

joke three hundred and sixty-three

2011-02-22T17:31:00.001-08:00

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

joke three hundred and sixty-two

2011-02-17T22:41:00.001-08:00

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

joke three hundred and sixty-one

2011-02-17T22:40:00.001-08:00

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

joke three hundred and sixty

2011-02-17T22:38:00.001-08:00

There goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, "Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"

joke three hundred and fifty-nine

2011-02-17T22:37:00.000-08:00

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a 'Lord Nelson.' The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told:

"Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."

"Thats wonderful," said the doctor.

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."

joke three hundred and fifty-eight

2011-02-17T22:35:00.000-08:00

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.'

joke three hundred and fifty-seven

2011-02-17T22:33:00.001-08:00

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

joke three hundred and fifty-six

2011-02-14T17:47:00.000-08:00

A Blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they Don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been Buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist. "We don't have any."

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the Pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist Who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container…

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"

joke three hundred and fifty-five

2011-02-12T17:23:00.000-08:00

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

joke three hundred and fifty-four

2011-02-12T17:21:00.000-08:00

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

joke three hundred and fifty-three

2011-02-10T20:37:00.000-08:00

What's Under Bill's Bed

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

joke three hundred and fifty-two

2010-11-22T00:40:00.001-08:00

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

joke three hundred and fifty-one

2010-08-02T22:47:00.003-07:00

Fonts

Link

joke three hundred and fifty

2010-08-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

A koala was sitting in a gum tree puffin' on some wacky tabacky.

The koala, well he's just chilling when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says, "Hey Koala! What'cha doing?"

The koala replies, "I'm smoking. Come up and have some!"

So the little lizard climbed up and sat down next to the koala where they enjoyed a little puff puff together. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, they had been smoking, but he got too stoned and fell into the river while trying to take a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walking into the forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting just chilling and smoking. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said....

"@%$&! dude!!! How much water did you drink!?!?"

joke three hundred and forty-nine

2010-07-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

[I think this is a little dated, but funny.]

This friend has another friend, who lives in Denmark… The one in Denmark has a pretty clear grasp of the political situation here in America. He doesn't understand what all the fuss is about over here. His question basically boils down to this:

We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the US.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to lawyer, running against a lawyer, who is married to a bitch, who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero, married to a good looking woman with big tits, who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there really a contest here?

joke three hundred and forty-eight

2010-07-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

It Finally Arrived
“I promise 100% transparency in my administration.”

“I promise NO NEW TAXES on a family making less than $250K a year.”

“I will allow 5 days of public comment before I sign any bills.”

“I will remove earmarks for PORK projects before I sign any bill.”

“I will end Income Tax for seniors making less than $50K a year.”

“I'll put the Health Care negotiations on CSPN so everyone can see who is at the table.”

joke three hundred and forty-seven

2010-07-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’

‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’

‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice… ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76… 39%.

I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

joke three hundred and forty-six

2010-07-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

This never gets old.

Link

joke three hundred and forty-five

2010-06-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

Bad graphic designer.

Link

joke three hundred and forty-four

2010-06-17T07:22:00.001-07:00

Comic Sans shouts back

Link

joke three hundred and forty-three

2010-06-13T01:51:00.000-07:00

joke three hundred and forty-two

2010-06-04T18:16:00.001-07:00

Being a very religious kind of guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

joke three hundred and forty-one

2010-05-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

Let me see if I got this right.

If you cross the North Korean border illegally you receive 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you are shot.

If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally you are jailed.

If you cross the Chinese border illegally you are never heard from again.

If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally you are branded a spy and your fate is sealed.

If you cross the Cuban border illegally you are thrown into political prison to rot.

If you cross the U.S. Border illegally you receive
A job
A drivers license
Social security card
Welfare
Food stamps
Credit cards
Subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house
Free education
Free health care
A lobbyist in Washington
Billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language
The right to carry your country’s flag while you protest that you don’t get enough respect
And, in many instances, you can vote.

I just wanted to make sure i had a firm grasp on the situation.

joke three-hundred and forty

2010-01-12T18:54:00.001-08:00

The Perfect Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and Jack Daniels whiskey and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

joke three hundred and thirty-nine

2010-01-11T11:37:00.001-08:00

Link

joke three hundred and thirty-eight

2009-11-06T00:18:00.000-08:00

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

joke three hundred and thirty-seven

2009-10-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

When Girls Don't Put Out
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For Example
One evening! last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I can play the game, too!

joke three hundred and thirty-six

2009-09-30T15:25:00.001-07:00

Europeans Adopt English as Preferred Language

The European Union Commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c"..Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

joke three hundred and thirty-five

2009-09-01T23:21:00.001-07:00

GM Motors

joke three hundred and thirty-four

2009-08-12T00:24:00.000-07:00

Funny bit on the onion

Link

joke three hundred and thirty-three

2009-07-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

Link

joke three hundred and thirty-two

2009-07-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

Corn nuts ~~inappropriate~~ radio ad.

joke three hundred and thirty-one

2009-07-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

I normally hate these... and this one is no exception…

The Best Business Advice You Didn't Have To Pay For

1. It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
2. It is later than you think, which is why "now" is usually the best time to get started.
3. An idiot with money is going to lose it. Teach him how not to be an idiot.
4. It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your money. The devil works hard, too.
5. Sometimes the best man for the job is a woman, and sometimes it's your worst enemy.
6. It is not sufficient to be a success; but it is also not necessary for your friends to be failures.
7. It is not true that life is one thing after another. It's one stupid thing over and over.
8. It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.
9. It is the dead wood that makes a sick tree look healthy.
10. Excellence is achievable and worthwhile, perfection is not and will drive you insane.
11. It isn't that they can't see the solution; it's that they can't see the problem.
12. It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
13. It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
14. Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.
15. It's always the wrong time of the month for somebody you have to deal with today.
16. It's better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all.
17. It's better to retire too soon than too late.
18. Failing to write a plan is a plan for failure.
19. What's Good Enough For Government Work is not good enough for a successful business.
20. It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
21. It's Not My Job! Ok, then whose job is it and why isn't he doing it?
22. It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
23. It's not how good your product is; it's how well you explain it.
24. It's not the work that gets you down, it's the interruptions that are the real killers, the worst of which are the ones you create for yourself.
25. It's out of my control! Then we had better get control of the situation, or stop getting ourselves into situations we cannot control.
26. Job placement: The ability to tell your boss what he can do with your job.
27. Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
28. Junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Checks sent to you are always late. Checks you are racing to the bank always win. The letter you regret sending already arrived.
29. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
30. It's easy to be somebody's favorite customer. Pay your bills on time without being reminded.
31. It's easy to pay your bills. Don't spend money you don't have in the first place!
32. Sometimes, you just need to have a long rambling chat with your suppliers and customers.
Things (good and bad) come up in conversation that would never come during interviews.
33. The only one who will ever really understand you is your most dangerous rival.
34. Sometimes, you have to ruin the fun and point out that the new plan violates the contract.
35. Sometimes you have to ask: "Are we trying to get this project done, or are we just
trying to prove which one of us is the biggest elephant in the herd?"
36. There never has been, nor will there ever be, a good time to release a bad product.
37. The guy you defeated, destroyed, and utterly humiliated last week is the guy you will
have to ask for a favor next week.
38. Never fight a battle that you do not have to win.
39. The best surprise is the unexpected.
40. Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice tie!" while your attorney files the lawsuit.

joke three hundred and thirty

2009-06-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

Hilarious video. Dean cain explains why Internet Explorer 8 is so good. Twice.

Link

Link

joke three hundred and twenty-nine

2009-06-17T16:56:00.000-07:00

joke three hundred and twenty-eight

2009-06-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

Barbershop vs. Predator

Link

joke three hundred and twenty-seven

2009-05-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Pirates and Emperors

joke three hundred and twenty-six

2009-05-12T16:15:00.001-07:00

Fonts

joke three-hundred and twenty-five

2009-04-20T11:39:00.001-07:00

Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type round here."

joke three-hundred and twenty-four

2009-03-11T07:37:00.001-07:00

Dear IRS,

I’m sorry to inform you that I’m not going to be able to pay the taxes owed on April 15th, but all is not lost.

I paid these taxes:

accounts receivable tax,
building permit tax,
CDL tax,
corporate income tax,
dog license tax,
federal income tax,
unemployment tax,
gas tax,
hunting license tax,
fishing license tax,
waterfowl stamp tax,
inheritance tax,
inventory tax,
liquor tax,
luxury tax,
Medicare tax,
city tax,
school and county property tax up to 33% the last four years.
Real estate tax,
Social Security tax,
road use tax,
toll road tax,
state and city sales tax,
recreational vehicle tax,
sales franchise tax,
state unemployment tax,
federal excise tax,
telephone tax,
telephone federal state and local surcharge tax,
telephone minimum usage surcharge tax,
telephone state and local tax,
utility tax,
vehicle tax,
registration tax,
capital gains tax,
lease severance tax,
oil and gas assessment tax,
Colorado property tax,
Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma, Mexico sales tax

and many more I can’t recall and I’ve run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 15th, just know that it was an honest mistake.

Please treat me the same as the way you’ve treated Congressmen Charlie Rangel, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank, ex-congressman Tom Daschle and, of course, your boss, Timothy Geithner.

No penalties, no interest.

PS, I’ll make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

Ed Barnett, Wichita Falls.

joke three hundred and twenty-three

2009-02-07T16:27:00.001-08:00

Rare Exports One and Two.

joke three hundred and twenty-two

2009-01-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

Obama likes Conan.

joke three hundred and twenty-one

2008-11-13T12:12:00.001-08:00

A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.

"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"

"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."

joke three hundred and twenty

2008-11-02T19:45:00.001-08:00

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it, and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good... about twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey you were right. All these years you have warned me, and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in."

joke three hundred and nineteen

2008-10-03T14:57:00.001-07:00

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it---English is a crazy language.
Because
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it??

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down...
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing, if Father is Pop,
how come Mother's not Mop?

joke three hundred and eighteen

2008-09-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Transubstantiate

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Antidisestablishmentarianism

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

joke three hundred and seventeen

2008-09-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra.

Slight variations were acceptable

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

joke three hundred and sixteen

2008-09-09T17:32:00.001-07:00

Funny. Even with the bleeps.

joke three hundred and fifteen

2008-09-09T17:26:00.000-07:00

Not for kids.

Not safe for work.

joke three hundred and fourteen

2008-09-09T17:11:00.001-07:00

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I'm here to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence... and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified... so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...

"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

joke three hundred and thirteen

2008-07-22T08:49:00.001-07:00

Never seen a cat move like that.

The Boxing Cat

joke three hundred and twelve

2008-06-25T11:47:00.001-07:00

Political satire.

joke three hundred and eleven

2008-06-14T01:05:00.000-07:00

Elmo

joke three hundred and ten

2008-06-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk gently around Peter legs, lifting him carefully then slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

joke three hundred and nine

2008-06-03T00:45:00.001-07:00

Tropic Thunder Funny.

joke three hundred and eight

2008-05-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

joke three hundred and seven

2008-05-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

Beer.

Coffee.

Whatever.

joke three hundred and six

2008-05-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the US.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to lawyer, running against a lawyer, who is married to a bitch, who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero, married to a good looking woman with big tits, who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there really a contest here?

joke three hundred and five

2008-04-24T22:40:00.001-07:00

College life

joke three hundred and four

2008-04-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

Cats.

not even a little bit funny

2008-04-19T03:01:00.000-07:00

Nope

joke three hundred and three

2008-04-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice.'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250.'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750.'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000.'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that again; you're in my closet now.'

joke three hundred and two

2008-03-19T15:19:00.001-07:00

More than just one joke.

These are so good.

joke three hundred and one

2008-03-18T21:46:00.001-07:00

Funny and educational.

joke three hundred

2008-03-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

joke two hundred and ninety-nine

2008-03-15T01:47:00.000-07:00

Not Safe For Work.

Peep Show

joke two hundred and ninety-eight

2008-03-13T13:09:00.001-07:00

joke two hundred and ninety-seven

2008-03-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

Why Men Should Write Advice Columns :

Dear Walter : I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I can't get through
to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

joke two hundred and ninety-six

2008-03-10T15:41:00.001-07:00

Proposed George W. Bush Libraries.

joke two hundred and ninety-five

2008-03-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

Awkward

joke two hundred and ninety-four

2008-02-29T16:09:00.000-08:00

This is only funny if you watch this first.

joke two hundred and ninety-three

2008-02-26T11:06:00.000-08:00

I would buy that Han Solo fridge.

joke two hundred and ninety-two

2008-02-23T01:16:00.000-08:00

Another reason to practice population control.

joke two hundred and ninety-one

2008-02-13T10:35:00.000-08:00

From Bill Maher's New Rules (apparently).

New Rule #1:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Lobster?

New Rule #3:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule #4:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule #5:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #6:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #7:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #8:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #9:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #10:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #11:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #12:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #13:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #14:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the cyber version of looting.

New Rule #15:
This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants! After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule #16:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
And lastly:

New Rule #17:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"